I’d like to discuss the misconceptions surrounding what males find aesthetically pleasing. To start, I’ll be discussing something that has become a fixture in everyday life when describing a person’s attractiveness: the rating scale. There are things one must know about said scale, and how it may differ between genders. For females, I’ve observed that the rating can be adjusted for seemingly meaningless details extending further than a superficial level. For example, if a female says somebody is a four or five, generally they are optimistically describing an unattractive person. However, when a male states that someone is a four, they’re not only saying that the subject is unattractive, but that they also have no upside.

To fully understand the context of these ratings, we must take a more in-depth look at how the scale is divided. In order to do this, there are certain things you have to know. Where a female might give a guy a five rather than a six because he likes dogs better than cats, on the men’s scale such facts are irrelevant. Ratings are divided into three groups. A rating between 10 and nine means chances are, she’s banned from entering Italy for fear that her hotness might reignite Vesuvius. Barring some remarkable asset, a rating of eight to six generally means she’s good looking, nothing to write home about, but enough liquor can convince you that she was the inspiration for Bastilles 2013 hit single, “Pompeii”. As we descend into our third and final quadrant, things get rather grim. One must understand that there’s an exponential difference between a five and a six, and the lower 50 per cent of the scale is moulded into one unappealing group. Let’s take a four for example. This rating is not saying that if she were one point higher she’d be halfway to 10. When we’re talking about a four, we’re talking borderline pre-transformation Nanny McPhee shit – without the accent.

Now this division into the tri-quadrant scale may be directly correlated to a difference of details. Males tend to take a broader view rather than closely dissecting minute details when viewing the opposite sex. I’ve witnessed arguments where a woman tries to argue that the numeric rating of her friend is greater than she is given credit for on the basis that, “She has really good makeup though” or “Yeah, but her hair is such a nice color”. From a male perspective, a girl’s ability to apply makeup is completely irrelevant to aesthetics. It’s similar to a guy trying to say that his friend is better looking than you think because he’s great at gelling his hair. Now this might be an attractive skill to posses, but when the person in question resembles the poor man’s Vin Diesel it doesn’t do much. Same if I said something along the lines of, “He may only be a five, but you should see how much he can leg press”. If the person more or less resembles the Michelin Man and most of their strength has been acquired from carrying around higher than average amounts of body fat, this argument won’t exactly hold up in a court of law.

In no way has this essay been an attempt to put anyone down based on what they look like, after all, I realize I’m not that attractive as a male. But for those of us that resemble David Schwimmer, or other b-list celebrities fitting on the lower end of the spectrum, we can exploit the benefits of this scale. When asked if I’m attractive, my girlfriend would likely reply, “He’s like a five,” rather than having to admit she’s dating a fucking zero.

I’m simply trying to discuss the difference in aesthetic perceptions based on gender. If this has explained why no males have gone out of their way to compliment your contouring ability, or demanded to buy you a drink because of your arousing eyebrow shape,  that’s an added bonus. I’m sure this goes both ways.  For example, I could imagine that it would be rare for even the best dressed man to have a successful at bat if his dental hygiene is not up to par, and I’m sure even the best dancers could blow an opportunity with a soul patch.

Do I think any of this will remotely affect how we view each other on a superficial level? Absolutely not. But I think the world would be a better place if we all remembered the great quote by P.C. Cast, “The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.”

– Scotty Poncho