First Ever Game of Waterball is “Complete Disaster”

In what will surely be a match soon forgotten, the Los Angeles Ocean lost to the Tokyo Tiger-Cats 1035 – 895 in the International Waterball League’s inaugural match, at the Microsoft Aquaplex in Santa Maria.

IWL commissioner Rob Manfred described the game as a “complete disaster” pointing to riots outside of the Aquaplex, and a failed firework gimmick at halftime that forced the evacuation of the entire stadium.

The atmosphere in the arena could be described as apathetic, as actor Tim Hanks assisted with the opening splash to promote his new movie and kick off the 2030 season. Fans in the arena were mostly preoccupied with their cellphones, choosing to post on Tweeter instead of actually enjoying the game they had paid to see.

Leading the Tiger-Cats with 114 netters and 37 strokes was Captain J. Jeremiah Johnson, who spoke about the game afterward, “It was a great win facing some serious adversity. There was that oil spill in the first quarter that slowed my dolphin down a bit, and our goalie kept getting covered in plastic rings from the tops of pop cans. I would like to thank my girlfriend for her continued support, and secondly, my wife for being so understanding.”

We spoke to short-time Ocean fan Harvey Spork, who drove in from Rhode Island with his family, about the in-game experience, “Ya know, there were a lot of stoppages for commercials. Hell, a beer was $37.49. But it was pretty cool when that Walrus caught on fire. I sure do love me some Waterball!”

Rioting ensued after the game when fans clashed with an activist group picketing outside the stadium. Members of a group called PAWA (People Against Walrus Abuse) were protesting the inhumane treatment of Wally the Walrus, the Ocean mascot and main attraction of the half-time show.

Jenny Troutbottom is the spokesperson for PAWA, “They have no right to make Wally try to light those fireworks with his flippers. And don’t even get me started on the unethical treatment of all those dolphins they’re cramping in those tiny cages at night. I saw that documentary Blackfish on NetShows, ya know!”

Ocean fans rioted in the neighbourhood after the loss, clashing with police, flipping cars, and eventually setting fire to a nearby Starbees. One outraged fan, who was repeatedly beaten over the head with a #FreeWally sign, spoke with us on the condition of anonymity, “You see, the team from that city, beat the team from our city. So we all thought it would be a good idea to trash our own neighbourhood. I straight up killed that cop over there with my bare hands! Wait… are people going to see this video?

The fan appeared to be deep in reflection when his friend ran by, “Hey buddy, we are going to Tokyo and we are going to fuck that city up too!”

“Alright!!! Let’s do it!!!” said the fan, no longer fazed by committing at least second-degree murder – maybe first.

The game did have one highlight, but unfortunately it came in the stands. Billy Beans proposed to his girlfriend over Tweeter during the second half. Apparently the couple had met on the Internet a week earlier and were very excited to get married. “I don’t know what took him so long,” said Marla Mayberry, Beans’ new fiancée.

All in all, commissioner Manfred showed concern for the future of the league, saying that the abysmal attendance and lack of in-game entertainment to attract fans with increasingly low attentions spans, “I’m getting calls from the City about these riots, that lady from PAWA is breathing down my neck, and my wife has been up my ass for weeks about doing dinner with her parents. So I gotta put on a suit and drive all the way out to the suburbs just to watch reruns of M*A*S*H with these people? Talk about unethical.”

He then went on to talk about his next financial move, “At this point, I’m done with this league. I’d rather invest my money in that new Tim Hanks movie where he plays Bruce Banner’s second cousin. What’s the name of it … oh…The Avengers One More Time: Part II. Now that’s gonna make some money.”

• Matt Silver