Cure for Life’s Problems: Doctor Prescribes Looking Down at Your Phone

• Mathew Silver

A Calgary based psychologist has proposed a controversial new method for solving all of life’s problems. Dean Harris PhD, released a new study which proves, according to him, that psychological wellbeing is enhanced by simply staring at your cell phone.

Dr. Harris claims to have gotten his inspiration from an alternative study on cell phone use, “There was something released that showed people got more irritable when separated from their cell phone, so I had an idea. Why don’t people just always look at their phone? And it looks like I’ve made scientific history.”

Since releasing his findings, Dr. Harris claims to have noticed more people staring at their cell phones, whether it’s on the subway, at restaurants, or even driving their vehicles.  He says he takes full responsibility for, “curing the anxiety of people all over the world.”

His new findings have also completely changed how he approaches his private practice, “My clients come in and ask me how to find happiness, so I tell them that the answer is in the palm of their hand. People are always looking for some profound meaning in life, just look at your phone, ya dummy.”

The University of Calgary graduate told us how his methods affected one client in particular. “I’ve got this one guy named Martin Jones, he’s an investment banker over there at Wells Fargo. Basically the guy is sleeping with his boss’ wife, feels terrible about it. I hope he sees this. Anyway, so I tell him to go download Game of War, and he says he went from feeling terrible, to feeling nothing. I’d say the proof is in the pudding.”

Dr. Harris’ research has been met with some criticism, especially by Dave Roberts, a psychology student at Mount Royal University, “I would need to see some evidence that staring at your phone has some sort of lasting effect on happiness. I might argue that looking at your phone is only a temporary solution to life’s problems. Relying on your cell phone for that release of dopamine could have problematic consequences, the worst of which being addiction.”

Harris described being pretty miffed after hearing what Roberts had said, and even went as far as to question his credibility, “The guy goes to Mount Royal. He probably couldn’t even get into U of C, so he takes the first chance he gets to criticize my research.  He also isn’t even a real doctor.  I only take my advice from scientists, celebrities, and Tony Robbins.”

Harris recommends Instagram accounts like @fuckjerry, @champagnepapi, and @canadiancreeps. Before staring down at his phone he left us with the following quote, “Worried that you are ugly? That’s what filters are for. Don’t have a relationship? Just go online and you can get a boyfriend in a couple hours. Horny? Then have some respect and do that on your computer at home.”