A Fitting Farewell: R.I.P Dick and Buck Wilder

In December of 2015, we all witnessed the emergence of Dick and Buck Wilder, a cult comedy duo forged in the barren wasteland that is Southern Ontario. Dick and Buck had one mission in life: to keep on partying. But unfortunately, it seems like that mission has come to an end. Dick and Buck have disappeared leaving many to wonder what had happened to the brothers from a small town outside London, ON. Surely they were on the verge of stardom, but like so many young artists dealing with overwhelming fame and fortune, D&B ultimately couldn’t handle the pressure.

There are several rumours stirring about their strange disappearance. Some say they got a little too liquored at a little league baseball game, and were pummelled by a group of full-grown men in the parking lot after mercilessly heckling their children. Others say that D & B were performing a Def Leppard cover at the local karaoke bar, before they overdosed on some filthy white lightning.

But no matter what story we hear there is one thing we know for sure, Dick and Buck Wilder were drunk when they died – and that means they died doing exactly what they loved. Let’s take this opportunity to remember the boys.

A night with D&B was like shooting heroine with Mick Jagger, in the back of an El Camino, while driving 180 km/h off a cliff into the Grand Canyon. It was a raging inferno of booze, and babes, and even more booze.

If I had to use one word to describe Dick and Buck it would be ‘indescribable.’ But if I had to use many words, I might start with ‘bigger hair,’ ‘better beer,’ ‘hotter babes’ and ‘louder systems.’

But when you peeled back the layers, there was more to B & D. Behind the perfect hair, stylish sunglasses, and inextinguishable desire to party like rock stars, Dick and Buck were businessmen, peacekeepers, and marketing geniuses. The following is an actual, exclusive interview I had with Dick and Buck last year, and it appears to be the last remnants of their brief but exhilarating taste of Internet celebrity.

Where do you guys live?

Buck lives above an East Indian food restaurant that makes him smell of curry. Dick lives in his moms basement where he’s constantly getting nagged about poor hygiene and loud music.

When you aren’t out slamming beers, picking up chicks, and having a good time, how do you make money?

We work at an apple orchard during the fall season picking and gathering apples for the farmer, and collect Employment Insurance for the remaining three seasons, which enables our poor habits.

If you had any advice for young kids out there looking to party, what would it be?

If school aint working for ya quit now and save your time. Take advantage of a girl who looks like she will have a promising career and ride her coat tails, this will allow you to party anytime you wish.

What is on Dick and Buck Wilder’s pre-party playlist?

Pour Some Sugar on Me – Def Leppard

She Drives Me Crazy – Fine Young Cannibals

Livin’ on a Prayer – Bon Jovi

Shout at the Devil – Motley Crue

Eatin Aint Cheatin – Steel Panther

Sad But True – Metallica

One more Time – Daft Punk

Yankee Rose – David Lee Roth

Style – Taylor Swift (Last Call)

If you could party with one celebrity, who would it be, and why?

Charlie Sheen before the whole hepatitis thing (cocaine and hooker Charlie). In the past it would have to be John Bonham (Zeppelin’s drummer) that dude died from partying so hard.

If you could invent a drinking game, what would the rules be?

Shots till someone barfs and loser bangs the fat one.

If Dick and Buck Wilder found ten million bucks, how would they spend it?

We would find a trusty stockbroker who has a guarantee to pay opportunity in a new electronics company and invest %100 of the $10 million into this to good to be true opportunity. Then take the profits and really focus it on partying and getting bitches. Real fur boots, bigger single lens sunglasses, and Lambos. Yeah. Bitches love Lambos.

How would Dick and Buck Wilder stop ISIS?

If Buck and Dick had the opportunity to party (Party being war) with ISIS they would go full on chemical warfare eliminating all ISIS members known and probably everyone within 200 KM range of them. That’s the only way this will work, they are hiding. Operation Red Rain Party Time = ISIS problem solved.

Where will we see Dick and Buck Wilder next?

Ahhhhhh the golden question…. Dick and Buck are going to continue on a weekly talk show about picking up chicks and partying. We are also planning on rolling film on us getting our drink on in public places. Where we really want to go is to perform crazy shit for people. The sky is the limit and as long as we have good fuckin’ parties to go to and whiskey and smokes it will continue to propel us into a drunken spiral to the top of the social networking ladder (Editors note: none of this happened because they died).

I asked Dick and Buck what inspires them to party so hard, “We just don’t want to wake up dead tomorrow thinking man I wish I had partied a bit harder than spending so much time with loved ones, ya know?”