Review: ‘Road Triplets’

After their mother is kidnapped by a cabal of angry Belarussian mobsters, three identical triplets take a road trip across America to rescue her. That’s the plot of ‘Road Triplets,’ the latest in Liam Nissan’s canon of family-vengeance flicks. The problem, though, is that ‘Triplets’ is more like a car commercial than a feature film. Our suspicions were rightly aroused when Liam Neeson changed his surname to “Nissan” shortly after accepting the role.

‘Triplets’ features a triple-shot of Liam Nissan, who, through the wonders of computer-generated imagery, plays all three brothers. Inexplicably, they only refer to each other with nicknames. The first-born, Titan, is the broad-chested leader of the pack. Rogue, the middle brother, is moody and emotionally withdrawn. Cube, the last-born, sits in the backseat and obsessively watches the 20-inch screens embedded in the headrest. When he’s being obnoxious, his brothers simply turn on the TV and enjoy the serenity of a quiet car.

When the action begins, the brothers are driving through Boston in their 2019 Nissan Pathfinder, which is featured gratuitously throughout the film. Titan receives an eerie phone call on his hands-free Bluetooth device. A gravelly-voiced gangster says that their mother is being held hostage in Los Angeles. “Bring us your 2019 Nissan Pathfinder, the one with power steering and built-in Sirius radio,” says the gangster, “or we’ll do bad things to your mommy.”

Titan, while keeping both hands safely on the wheel, responds: “If you let my mother go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you,” he says. “If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of wheels.” Then the movie cuts to a shot of the Pathfinder zigging and zagging through the streets of Boston.

“Good luck,” says the gangster, before the call ends with an electronic bloop.

So, the brothers have no choice but to drive to Los Angeles in their sleek new vehicle. It stands to reason that the brothers would take the most efficient route to their destination. After all, their mother is being held captive by potentially murderous mobsters. It’s strange, then, that their road trip takes them past ski resorts in Vermont, through the farmlands of North Dakota, and somehow beside a Volcano in Hawaii. All the while, the 2019 Nissan Pathfinder is filmed flatteringly against the beautiful backdrops.

The brothers often comment on how smooth the car is on the highway, and how comfortable the seats are. In Vermont, while driving across a breathtaking glacier, the brothers are confronted by one of the mobsters. After they run the bad guy over, suffering zero damage to the grill, they stuff his body into the back of the car. Then, they can’t help but comment on the spaciousness of the trunk.

In another scene, while Cube is quietly sleeping in the backseat, Titan swerves violently to avoid an oncoming flood of lava. Owing to the vehicles superior handling, the brothers are able to avoid their demise, all while Cube rests peacefully in the back. “This car saved our asses back there, hey brother?” says Rogue, shortly after.

Finally, the brothers arrive at an abandoned warehouse in industrial Los Angeles, where their mother is being detained. As the brothers pull in through an entrance, Titan locks the doors, displaying the vehicle’s safety features. Then, when inside the warehouse, they’re able to avoid a rear ambush after noticing a group of masked, gun-wielding mobsters in their rearview camera.

Ultimately, they decide to keep the vehicle instead of exchanging it for their mother. An epithet flashes across the scene, shortly before the credits roll: “The 2019 Nissan Pathfinder, More Valuable Than Your Own Mother.” The ultimate endorsement.