My nephew Damien is an aspiring writer, so I promised his mother that I would publish some of his work. Since he possesses the fragile ego of a budding auteur, I agreed not to alter the text. Not even slightly. Every word you read, following this brief excerpt, is from the mind of Damien Silver, a promising young artiste that will eventually carve out a respectable career in the creative realm.

Hi. My name is Damien and this is my movie review.

The new Mission Impossible is so cool. It has Tom Crews and he plays a good person that solves problems and does action. I really like his hair. My mom says that Tom goes to church just like me, but his church is a little bit different. She told my dad that Tom Crews is a wack job, which I think is a good trait in a person and makes them have fun.

I got to have popcorn and candy and a large soda, which I’m not always allowed to do, but it’s great. My mom says that sugar makes me restless and ruins my teeth. Billy Timms from my class is allowed to eat whatever he wants. When I go to his house, his mom always lets me do that too. She’s nice. One time I saw her and Mr. Timms yelling in the kitchen, and he called her a filthy door. He was all red in the face. Then she said that he should run off with his girlfriend. I think it’s nice that Mr. Timms has other friends, and they go on rides in his fast red car.

In the movie there’s a bad guy with black hair, who is actually Superman with a funny moustache. He is angry and strong, just like a kid at my school named Trent. He punches me sometimes during recess but we’re still friends. Sometimes I’ll go to Trent’s house with my classmates after school and he hits me, but the girls laugh so it’s only friendship. I really hope I can go to Trent’s birthday party this year because he hasn’t invited me to the other ones.

My uncle Matt said there’s five other Mission Impossible movies, which makes no sense because it’s supposed to be impossible to do the mission. So how is Tom Crews doing it? It must be because he’s a wack job. This made me think about how many shows I watch. There’s just too many. It would take a really long time to see every episode of Paw Patrol, but then there would be new episodes of NINJAGO so I would have to watch that too. This makes me feel bad.

Speaking of my uncle Matt, he’s most certainly my favourite family member. He’s the paragon of avuncular achievement, purchasing me luxurious goods for my birthdays and other special occasions. Uncle Matt is urbane, strangely attractive, and possesses the intellectual prowess of a Norwegian chess champion. Anyhow, I thought Mission: Impossible – Fallout was an exemplary piece of filmmaking, featuring a bevy of irresistible stars. Ignore this movie at your own peril!

• by Damien Silver

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