After years of washing dirty uniforms, slicing oranges between innings, and transporting their sons to games, among other unpaid motherly duties, the moms of Major League Baseball players have decided to unionize. An official statement from the newly formed union, Baseball’s United Mothers (BUM), claims that while fathers often receive praise for the success of their millionaire ball-swatting sons, it’s the mummies that deserve the real recognition.
“Fathers put in very little effort. They might be responsible for playing catch on the weekends or whatever, but we’re responsible for clothing, fueling, and getting those little baseball machines to their games on time. We demand some respect,” read the statement.
The mothers decided that unionizing shortly before the playoffs – the most critical part of the MLB season – would give them the most leverage. “These boys need us now more than ever,” the statement continued.
Martha Davis, who founded the union, is the mother of Yankees’ star outfielder Bobby Davis. She said she’s done with washing her son’s uniform after every game, unless he’s willing to give her credit in the post-game press conference. Even a complimentary Tweet would suffice.
“Bobby still can’t understand how difficult it is to get grass and clay stains out of white fabric. He’s sliding all over the place, even when there’s a routine fly ball,” she said, acknowledging that his flourishes in the outfield might be what makes him so appealing to fans.
But last week, against the Blue Jays, Bobby allegedly slid into second base on an uncontested double. The unnecessary maneuver ripped a quarter-sized hole in the knee of his pants, which his mother had to stitch together before a 2p.m. game in Boston the next day.
“Does he think some magical fairy stitches it back together after the game?” said Martha. “I have to bring my sewing machine to the ballpark every day.”
According to the statement released by BUM, as part of their demands, the mothers will not provide any help to their son’s during the playoffs – except, of course, for unconditional love and support during home games – unless each player releases an official statement in praise of his mummy. Additionally, any player that sends his mother a card and/or flowers will be especially appreciated.
Susie Cartwell, the mother of the Astros’ fleet-footed shortstop Speedy Cartwell, said she’s been flying the team’s private jet for the last five years without pay.
“I’m not licensed to fly an aircraft. I can hardly park our minivan. But nobody else is taking my son and his little baseball buddies from city to city,” she said, adding that other mothers care for the players from takeoff to touchdown. “Flight attendants? Yeah right. We’ve got Linda and Babette running up and down the aisles making sure those little sluggers are comfortable for the duration of the flight.”
Another mother, who preferred to remain anonymous, said she’s gone absurd lengths to help her son achieve his goals on the diamond, even shattering federal laws in the process.
“I’ve been purchasing steroids for my son for the last 14 years. We’ve taken several trips to Florida, where I’m tasked with meeting suppliers, negotiating deals, and smuggling the goods out of the State,” she said. “I’ve risked several life sentences for my hat-wearing adult son. He better improve his slugging percentage next season – or else.”
Major League Baseball has acknowledged the statement made by BUM but has asked for more time to submit a formal response. Apparently, the players need to consult their mothers before making an official decision.