YAY 4 MOOOOOVIES!!!!

But 2017 doesn’t look promising at all. What started as an innocent look at what’s coming to theatres in 2017, has devolved into a frustrating and often depressing outlook on the movie industry at large.

A Google search of “2017 movies” produces the following results:

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Notice anything?? How bout that almost every single film is the continuation of a franchise, TV series, comic book, or novel. In fact, even A Cure for Wellness is loosely based on a novel by Thomas Mann.

Anyhow, the most effective way to combat the homogenization of culture is to make fun of it!!! Let’s watch some of  these trailers and do that!!!

Couldn’t find a movie trailer for World War Z 2. Not sure who thought it would be OK to put a letter and a number right beside each other. Maybe Google can give us a little background on the film.

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WOW. Hit the nail on the head there. I can’t think of a better way to forecast movies in 2017 than, “The next instalment in the franchise.” I feel like the jaded and underpaid employee who wrote that sentence could be my friend.

The XXX franchise actually restores my faith in humanity. While that might seem like the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, at least this is an example of a movie that has the self-awareness not to take itself too seriously. They are pulling no punches with this one.

I could never imagine Vin Diesel skiing in real life. I could, however, totally imagine him dropping 60 feet from a satellite tower and skiing through the F*CKING JUNGLE!!! Points for realism.

Furthermore: Olympic gold medallist Neymar, UFC middleweight champion Michael Bisping, and Samuel L. Jackson aka Coach Carter. The athletic pedigree on display in this film is unprecedented.

Then Sammy Jackson says, “Kick some ass, get the girl, and try to look dope while you do it.” That is some of the most philosophical shit I’ve ever heard!!! He just expounded the meaning of life in the most simplistic and millennial way possible. More points for realism.

I actually remember laughing out loud in the theatre when Diesel rides the motorcycle under the wave without losing any momentum. He even closes his eyes to prevent any pesky salt water from getting in there. POINTS FOR REALISM!!!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, what happened to Brendan Fraser? Did they think they could replace him without us noticing?

I’m sure there was some Hollywood boardroom discussion on whether they would bring him back with the franchise, and some executive sat there and said, “No, I think we need to attach Tom Cruise to another franchise film.” I would like to have a word with that person.

Secondly, Tom Cruise looks fantastic. We could attribute his agelessness to a healthy diet and exercise, but everyone knows that an attractive appearance is just another benefit of being a scientologist. The late L. Ron Hubbard would be proud.

Plane Crashes

At first I had a hard time believing that Cruise could survive that plane crash. Until, of course, I realized that throughout his career he has shown an uncanny ability to a) be subjected to some sort of disaster in an aircraft; and b) somehow avert that disaster.

Don’t believe me?

Here’s a blurry screenshot from a pivotal scene in Top Gun, when Tommy’s aerial recklessness resulted in the death of Goose. Tom survived.

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Are you still skeptical?

Well here’s a snippet from Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation, where Tommy is clinging to the side of a plane and almost certainly has intentions of bringing it down. Tom also looks fantastic in this shot. Youthful and vibrant while also remaining sultry and debonair. He didn’t die.

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STILL DON’T BELIEVE ME???!!!

Here he is with co-pilot Cameron Diaz in the critically acclaimed box-office smash hit, Knight and Day. Not only does Tom find himself on a plane loaded with shady operatives that have been given orders to kill him at 37,000 feet, he finds himself in that situation with smoking hot Cameron Diaz!!! He lands the plane and it eventually explodes – without him onboard.

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I like to think that this is what Tom Cruise looks like just before climax. Unfortunately, it’s just another image of him CRASHING AN AIRCRAFT. This is getting out of control.

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Here’s a photo of Tom Cruise in the movie Cocktail, which happens to be some of the most fun I’ve ever had at a movie. It also has nothing to do with this article.

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Alright, so we’ve learned not to panic if confronted with an aerial crisis alongside Tom Cruise. Moving on.

Marley and Me Z 2!!!!!!!!!!

Dennis Quaid!!!!!!

What happened to Shia LaBoeuf? Did they think they could replace him without us noticing?

What’s that you say?

He got out after the third one????

Phew.

  • Anyway, I don’t understand what could possibly be different about this movie. How many lessons can we learn from this incessant battle between this robot-alien species?
  • I feel like Mark Wahlberg couldn’t take his children to this at a movie theatre in good conscience.
  • I also feel like Josh Duhamel owes his career to this franchise. He does nothing of consequence all year (except Fergie) and then just pops up in these movies. Good for him.

Last and least, it’s Spiderman!!!

OK, let me get this straight.

Spiderman was the first one with Toby Maguire and it was awesome. He did a couple more and those were still awesome, somehow.

Then they rebooted the franchise with The Amazing Spiderman, and placed Peter Parker back in high school with an upstart Andrew Garfield taking on the role. I’ll allow for this.

But now they’re rebooting it AGAIN and putting Peter Parker back in high school, but somehow this time he’s auditioning to be a member of the Avengers, and Tony Stark is his mentor/ a creepy man that picks kids up in his limo? I won’t allow for this.

It’s just a desperate and ill-fated attempt to combine more of these ridiculous universes, and it isn’t based on logic or prior success, which suggests how hollow and disillusioned these franchises have really become.

Or maybe the product reflects the demand of the consumer, and we’re all much dumber than we think we aren’t. It’s always a bit of both and humanity is doomed. My only advice moving forward:

“Kick some ass, get the girl, and try to look dope while you do it.”