My friend Derrick (I can’t put his last name here) is desperate for a companion. He’s tried several dating sites, Tinder, Bumble, and Snoggle, but nothing seems to work. As such, he’s enlisted me to try and create an online description of him that could potentially attract a lifemate. And I will try in earnest to describe this man in his truest form.
SIDE NOTE: He wants to be clear that this isn’t an act of desperation, but rather an attempt to “get with the times.” He would have taken out an ad in the Herald if they hadn’t endorsed Todd Ploctus in the last federal election. It’s also worth mentioning, or so he says, that it’s a mystery he hasn’t found a suitable companion yet.
Here we go…
Derrick isn’t very good looking. Not particularly tall either, but you won’t tower over him in heels. He’s got a respectable hair cut (mid length) and a decent job over at the Chrysler Plant. He’s been working as a supervisor there for seven years, and should be promoted in the next couple months (fingers crossed).To the naked eye he’s completely unremarkable.
Please stop reading if you “identify” as white, black, or brown (Derrick’s words, not mine). Also, if you wouldn’t rate yourself higher than a 8/10 on the “hotness scale” then save yourself the trouble. No rounding up or changing the scale. Use common sense.
You MUST be between the ages of 18-27. Derrick has chosen not to provide his age, in order to protect his identity. Please bring a copy of your driver’s license, birth certificate, and social security number (if you can find it) on the first date, which will be a screening of the movie Being John Malkovich.
It’s his favourite film and he simply won’t date someone who hasn’t seen it. Be advised that a lot of his dates in the past have pretended to know the film, but were unable to identify an image of John Malkovich when placed alongside pictures of men with similarly bald heads. If you’ve seen this movie you should be in good standing.
Unless…
Unless, of course, you have any sort of affiliation to the Edmonton Oilers. You don’t even need to like the team. If you have a relative – as close as an uncle or cousin – that supports those bastards he can’t risk bumping into them at a family gathering. Derrick maintains that this is for your own sake, and that the subject caused a fair amount of friction at a cookout in 2011. Particularly between him and his mother’s new boyfriend David, who “Doesn’t know shit about hockey, and could never beat my dad in an arm wrestle,” according to Derrick.
Anyhow, if you’re interested please call the following number (403) 826-8499. Unless you’re trying to sell car insurance or rope Derrick into a Ponzie scheme. He’s not falling for that again.
Mathew Silver
dashofmind.com 