I just realized that I didn’t give anyone directions to Brad’s party on Saturday. It’s kind of far and you might lose service out there so make sure you keep this email for reference.
Start by driving north on Deerfoot Trail from downtown Calgary.
If you happen upon an old man lying at the side of the road please don’t disturb him. That’s my brother Larry Cork and he’s been know to bite and attend birthday parties. Please don’t let him in the car.
If you decide to completely ignore my advice and do let him in the car, drive directly to the police station and turn him in. He’s done some terrible things. Try to act natural while you do this because he’s very clever and gets nibbly on long car rides.
Set your radio to 98.5 The Chill at exactly 7:30 pm and listen for Dale ‘Gonzo’ Peters to reveal the secret turn off.
If you see a sign that says “Edmonton City Limits” turn around because you’ve gone too far. You idiot.
Things to avoid:
Hitchhikers, ghosts, soccer moms in red mini-vans, potholes, gas merchants that ask to keep your credit card on file for “personal reasons”; stray dogs, stray children, children of the corn, corn on the cob, and members of the band Korn.
Gonzo’s directions should take you to a small nondescript market. Go inside.
If you’ve made it this far I’ve got terrible news. Brad is not having a party. Brad doesn’t even exist. Instead, you’ve been the victim of a complex Facebook conspiracy, and will be captured and kept in the cellar. Can’t wait to meet you.