In the wake of a devastating and legacy-defining loss to the Golden State Warriors in the 2017 NBA Finals, LeBron James has decided to exercise his third-year player option and join the very team that just demolished his chances of being mentioned in the same breath as Michael Jordan.
“The reality in this league, the way it is currently structured today, with all of the superstars and teams and whatnot, it has recently occurred to me, that you basically need to go to the best team if you want to win,” said James, rather thoughtfully.
James seems to be following in the footsteps of 2017 Finals MVP Kevin Durant, who most notably left the Oklahoma City Thunder to join the Warriors this past offseason, which paired the 2013-14 NBA MVP with a team that went 73-9 the prior season.
Now, are you ready for a mind fuck??? Back then, Durant was just following James’ example, after ‘The King of Akron’ decided to join an all-star cast in Miami circa 2011. So, is LeBron really just following in his own footsteps, and is that even fucking possible???!!!
James was noticeably absent during a 30-8 run by the Warriors in the second half of Monday night’s game. A source has confirmed that during that stretch, instead of simply driving to the rim and – at worst – drawing a foul to slow the opponent’s momentum, he was busy looking for affordable housing in the greater Oakland area. TMZ reported that he’s looking for a “dope ass crib” right next to where Chris Paul is building a new luxury development.
It should also be noted that when James was asked about his decision to leave Cleveland once again, he kept handing the microphone to Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love, refusing to simply answer the question on his own. Some armchair psychologists have concluded that LeBron did this to seem like a team player, while the move really just masks an innate fear to hold the mic during tough questioning periods, so as not to fail in tough questioning periods, and thus not have his reputation in said periods tarnished.
When James attempted to pass the microphone off to Deron Williams, one clever reporter stood up and shouted, “Why is Williams even on the podium in the first place!?”
But some people were delighted by King James’ announcement. Most notably, Dubs majority owner Joe Lacob.
“I had my nerds crunch the statistics over in Silicon Valley using an algorithm to predict how good my team will be with the edition of Mr. James. Basically, the computer exploded from the shocking reality of the data, so now I have to get my IT guy to go in this week to fix the stupid thing. No matter how much money you pump into something, it doesn’t mean it will get done correctly. That should be a life lesson to everyone,” said Lacob.
Early ESPN predictions say the new Warriors team is expected to win the Larry O’Brien Trophy for the next seven years and put up an offensive efficiency of 157.8 per 100 possessions – both would be unprecedented in the NBA.
I guess we should all just start watching hockey…